Panda in Paris


je veux mettre des batons dans les roues

Posted in France by parisianpanda on February 5, 2010
Tags: ,

(mettre des batons dans les roues = “put sticks in the wheels” – throw a wrench in the works)

I was listening to the Dan Savage podcast the other day and this college girl called in saying she really, really wanted to get pregnant, to the point that she was considering messing with her birth control without telling the people she’s sleeping with because she can’t shake the urge to get pregnant. Dan Savage said that she was probably feeling tempted to throw everything off course because when you get stuck in a routine in college, it’s tempting to want to shake things up, get off the tracks, move your life in a different direction, etc. but that having a baby was a pretty extreme manifestation of that.

I definitely and unequivocally have no temptation to have babies at this point* but I have been wrestling with the self-destructive temptation to “throw a wrench in the system.” I am working on getting all the paperwork I need together to apply for a masters in France/America/summer job/renewal of contract/etc. so I have lots of options open for next year, but everytime I go to fill out a form I am overwhelmed with a sense of “Why are you even doing this? Do you even want this?”

Maybe it’s because it’s winter, maybe it’s because I am 22 and my quarter life crisis is keeping me firmly in its grasp, maybe it’s because I see my Facebook acquaintances/fellow Evergreen alumni doing things like literally running away and joining the circus**, maybe it’s because some of my personal relationships aren’t really going in the direction I would have hoped*** and it’s given me the feeling that in the end no one cares what I do because no one will be around but me and I am only really accountable to myself, but I have been tempted lately to just buy a one-way plane ticket to Seattle, with no real plan, just to see what happens.

In the end I will probably pull things together and turn in my applications and choose a direction and make myself a real future like a real grown-up, but this is the first year I haven’t had a solid plan for the following fall and I have sort of enjoyed the thrill of it. And also, as much as I love Paris, I do miss Washington because it’s the only place I have ever felt completely secure and surrounded by people who like me for me, as opposed to Paris where I am made to feel inadequate relentlessly.

In conclusion, aaannnnnngggsssst.

gray grey gris

*Although, Axel’s mother is on bedrest because she’s pregnant with twins and the other day his dad was going out for the night. He made sure everything was prepared before he left, but he told Axel to be good and to do whatever had to be done to help his mother. Axel slapped his face on both sides like the Home Alone cover**** and said “Oh, mais je ne sais meme pas comment faire la cuisine!” (“Oh, but I don’t even know how to make dinner!”) which was pretty much the cutest thing ever, and I was reading a movie review the other day that said foreign children are automatically cuter than domestic children, which I think is true. But I still don’t want babies, at least not today.

**I am not acrobatic enough for this but I would probably make an okay clown.

***Not all of them, just a couple of the more important ones.

****I should stop making dated references that are overused anyway.

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